How to Listen to Your Spouse

How to Listen to Your Spouse

My whole entire field is about listening to people. But for some reason when it comes to my closest relationships I can’t seem to do it right.  This manifests 100-fold in my marriage.  I know, it’s crazy, a wife and marriage blogger admitting to not listening.

In conversations, even when it’s not heated, I tend to hear what I expect him to say or I already have a prepared answer before he’s done expressing himself.  Add emotions, criticism, defensiveness, and hard topics to the mix and you’re asking for a listening disaster.

When we don’t take the time to fully listen we slowly chip away at the hearts of our spouse and the protective enamel of our relationships.

I see relationships as fragile china and in order for the china to be beautifully displayed and safe it must stay protected in a case.  What keeps marriages and relationships protected is mutual love AND respect. When we don’t take the time to listen for understanding, it’s like taking a hammer to the display case because we are essentially saying, “I don’t love/respect you enough to hear you out.”

Listening for understanding means when your spouse is talking, NO MATTER THE TOPIC (i.e. criticizing the dinner you slaved over [but didn’t offer to help with]), your first instinct should be to silence the thoughts in your mind so you can hear his heart.

Once you have done this: BE QUIET! Process what you just heard; really soak it in, and ask yourself these questions:

·         What did his words say?

·         What emotion or concern is he actually trying to convey?

·         What can I affirm or acknowledge in this moment?

Then, and only then, do you respond.

Your response should ideally start with, “So, what I hear you saying is ______.” This should not only be the literally words but the meaning behind the words. For example:

Him: “I really don’t like it when you buy stuff without telling me. Yes, it’s just a pair of shoes but you know we’re trying to save money right now.”

You: *after processing* “So, what I hear you saying is that you feel like I’m not being mindful about where we are financially, and you’d like me to speak to you first before I make purchases. Is that correct?

Then take time to affirm/acknowledge:

          Him: Yes, exactly! I just feel like you aren’t taking our goals seriously.

You: “Well, I can see why you would feel that way. I can imagine from your perspective it would seem like I’m not as diligent about saving…”

THEN express your perspective:

You: “…however, these shoes were on sale for $20 and I didn’t think it would have made a big difference to our goals, especially since we’ve been saving so much. I will be sure to talk to you first next time though.”

By taking these steps you are making your spouse the priority while also stating your own feelings. This can feel really cheesy and unnecessary at first, but it will help with communication. Also, once the person feels understood they’re better able to listen to you, even if you disagree.

Surface listening leads to frustration, unnecessary arguments, and eventually resentment. 

Yes, RESENTMENT.

When people feel unheard and misunderstood they apply that to every interaction with you and by the time you realize it, the damage has already been done.

So, remember: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

Great marriages start with great listeners.

Are you a good listener? What are some things you’ve experienced when it comes to listening in relationships? Comment below!