6 Ways to Make Sexy Happen — Authentically Wed

Today my hair is in the messiest of messy buns, I’m barefaced, and my fashion inspiration is whatever happens to be the softest, thickest, and comfiest thing I can find. Yup, it’s the time of month when nature reminds me that there’s a reckoning for not following through with my biological contract. My hormones are so cray cray right now, I just got off the phone with a friend and literally said the words, “I want to cry and laugh at the same time.”

Needless to say, I don’t feel sexy; and that makes sense. However, there have been times throughout my marriage when Mother Nature isn’t trying to punish me, yet I feel just as unsexy.

For most of my life, I have battled with inaccurate body image and low self-esteem. Thankfully, the older I’ve gotten the more resilient and confident I’ve become, but it’s still something that sneaks up on me. Well, marriage has a way of amplifying any issue you have by six trillion. Body image was always something I had to deal with within myself, but now there was this whole other person that, not only had a front row seat to my struggle, but we now share this body I have an issue with.

I never saw myself as sexy. If I had to aesthetically describe myself I would say I was cute, depending on how laid and slayed I was, maybe beautiful; never sexy. I’ve made it a point throughout my life to cover my body because I have my family’s trademarked wide hips and rather large posterior (yes, I just said that). I hated the unwarranted and perverse attention it got me from males and the guilt reaction I get as if I created my own body. Now that I’m married, however, I want to be sexy. I want to have that thing….no…..thang…that makes my husband blush even when it’s just me and him. I want the look, the body positioning, the softness, the sleekness, the aura, the THANG. I don’t know how to describe it but I want it! Instead, I’m awkward, goofy, ungraceful, and…cute.

Y’all, one time I tried to initiate, put on some lingerie and my husband literally asked me what I was doing. Yup. True story.

On top of not feeling sexy, my sex drive seemed to turn a cold shoulder towards me early in marriage. I was on a birth control that totally dampened my desire, but even after I got off, stress, lack of time, and sometimes how we were relating did a number on my drive as well.

I honestly thought sex was going to be the easiest part of marriage, but it ended up being one of the things I had to put the most energy into.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone through this (though I know women who have a high sex drive and a beautiful sense of confidence!). It can feel like a huge marriage fail and it’s easy to just accept things the way they are, but I urge you to fight back! So, here are some things I’ve put in practice to help me feel sexy and get in the mood

1. Walk around naked

Yes, I’m serious. It may seem crazy BUT it works. I’m Caribbean so nudity isn’t a big deal for me in the first place, so if it is for you I urge you to try it all the more. If you’ve struggled with body image, getting comfortable with your body is going to be the first step. You don’t have to do it when your husband is around if you aren’t there yet. Do your normal everyday stuff; wash the dishes, fold laundry, or binge watch Netflix with your favorite blanket wrapped around you. You may laugh at yourself and feel a little scandalous, but I’ve found that I also start to walk and move differently too. Truth be told, now a days I’m probably more confident naked, than not.

2. Take time to love on you

Take time to intentionally look in the mirror. Fall in love with your curves, admire your features, compliment yourself. DO NOT point out flaws! Start with one thing a day and push yourself to add on the more you do it. If you find things you love about you, it shows in the way you carry yourself. Those areas you’re most insecure about? Love on them too, learn to see them as a part of a whole masterpiece.

3. Dress the part

I know you have to wear your business casual to work, or (if you’re like me) you threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and ran out the door to class. However, when you get home don’t change into your favorite polka dot pajama bottoms and 14XL sleep shirt. Slide on that teddy you’ve been meaning to wear! Lingerie just has a way of making everything better. Slip on those cute boy shorts or a pair of shorts (Walmart always has some for cheap!) that’s a tad too tight to wear outside. If you’re out of ideas, wear his t-shirt….and nothing else. Whatever it is, make sure it’s comfortable. If it’s not you don’t do it, but do make the effort!

4. Talk that talk!

While you’re both at work, shoot him a text that gets his attention. Yeah girl! Don’t be shy, either. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m too goofy for the sexy one-liners. I just don’t have it in me. However, I DO know how to tell the truth. It can be as simple as “Hey baby, thinking about you…can’t wait until you come home.” It just has to get his attention because, chances are, once you get it the conversation will ease into something sexier and it won’t feel so unnatural. In other words, SHOOT YOUR SHOT!

5. Take a trip down memory lane

Again, this may seem weird, but I promise it works. Think about one of your favorite times together. What was it like? How did it feel? How did it start? What was your favorite part? Play it out in your mind like your favorite movie and before you know it, that sneaky little sex drive will find its way home. The fun part is remembering (maybe even remind him of that time) then waiting for later to reenact it. Also, don’t limit this to sexual recounting only, sometimes it’s the sweet or practical gestures that can draw you in and actually turn you on.

6. Do some research

If you’re going through this, know that it is extremely common! There are plenty of websites and books that speak on this and can help you better understand your specific situation and how to deal with it. Don’t be afraid to google or even speak to other wives! It can be validating to hear that you’re not alone and strategies that those closest to you have found to work.

What are some ways you make yourself feel sexy? How do you fight back against decreasing sex drive? I’d love to hear from you!