Life After Divorce: I Hate it Here

I just want to start by saying, USUALLY I’m pretty content in my singleness and my life.  However, today hit a little different.  Literally as I write this, tears are streaming down my eyes, but it was important for me to capture this moment.

What happened?

I had plenty of work to do but a nap was calling my name. Three unfortunate hours later, I woke up choking in a coughing fit mixed with absolute horror when I realized how dark my room now was.

Once I stabilized my breathing, I checked my several missed text messages, then started on whatever tasks I could accomplish before my actual bedtime; because believe me when I say, I could have slept longer.

I did the laundry, created a video, and soon after, my social media manager arrived to my home. What was supposed to be a quick meeting turned into 3.5 hours of planning, chit-chatting, and vision sharing. By the time she left, it was past my bedtime, and currently still is.

After she left, I heated up leftovers, washed overdue dishes, swapped out laundry and as I tried to think about what I could accomplish in the remaining time, I began to pray and weep.

I wept because:

Being single means I don’t have the luxury of splitting tasks.

I still hadn’t packed for the week to go to my out of town job, which means making a 2.5-3 hour commute the next day.

I have to work a job I hate, but it funds my life and my dreams.

I’m so incredibly overwhelmed and wish I had a partner.

I want to be energized by love everyday instead of necessity.

If I’m honest I feel ungrateful. There are people who have waited decades for love, while I wait for a second chance. I feel like I’m wasting energy crying because I’m honestly a rookie to singleness compared to some of my friends. However, the weight of being called and the pressure of the vision God has placed on my heart is so much that sometimes I want to explode.

I want someone to run this race with me, to share in the burden; or at least listen and remind me that the trouble is worth it. Someone who loves me enough to tell me to go to bed, or who stays up late to get things done. I want someone who makes me want to ditch the work and laugh at IG videos instead.

The thing is, though I hate it here, I refuse to settle for useless company or flings to pass the time. I’m dedicated to seeing this singleness journey through to the end in the healthiest way possible. I won’t compromise for the sake of loneliness and I won’t sacrifice peace for a piece of a person. Even in my sadness I understand my worth.

Tonight, I’m still not sure what I’ll do, but I’m hopeful in the future it’s a decision I won’t have to make alone.

So, I hate it here today…but tomorrow will be better.